It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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