i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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