I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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