they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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