She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
