I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Randomize