seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
