so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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