i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
