Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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