just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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