I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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