You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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