he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
