my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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