Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
