Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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