you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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