It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
