There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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