I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
