whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
