dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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