Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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