You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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