Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
