He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
