do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
