Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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