Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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