I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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