I accidentally had phone sex last night
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
