it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
