I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
