Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
