whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
