There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
