i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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