I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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