This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
