happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
