i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
