I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
