you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
