So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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