Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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