i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
