my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Houston, we have a blender
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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