why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize