Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
