non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Randomize
