My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
