Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
