My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
