no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
