i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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