i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I need to calm my uterus...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
