Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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