I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize